


Under New Management

by starvonnie



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: M/M, Mpreg, Transformer Sparklings, Transformers Spark Bonds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2019-10-23 20:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17690165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starvonnie/pseuds/starvonnie
Summary: After Megatron abandons the Lost Light crew and gets stuck in an alternate dimension, Rodimus finds he has more to worry about than just losing him; he's carrying his sparkling.  Spark-broken and desperate, Starscream of all mechs proves to be his saviour.  He wants to overwrite Megatron's coding with his own and take care of both Rodimus and his sparkling.  From this strange arrangement, they find within the other a kindred spirit.  Both touched and tainted by Megatron, they find solace in the other's love.  They form an unlikely family and it would have been domestic bliss if an unexpected development didn't threaten to uproot all they'd created.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic follows shortly after the events of Lost Light 6 and I've been working on it since then so I think it's about time I finally post the first chapter. I'm really excited about this fic and hope that you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> I should also add that the warnings don't pertain to Rodimus or Starscream but are present in the story so if you're triggered by that sort of thing/would rather not read it I would give this fic a pass.

Starscream almost didn't believe the news.  The _Lost Light_ crew?  _Alive_?  He had rolled his optics at the intrusion, but on further insistence, he went to check it out, and... there they were.  Alive.  Barely, it seemed for a few of them.  If their hastily repaired wounds said anything.  Their optics stared; dull, and tired.  In need of energon that wasn’t dried to their scorched and cracked plating.

"You're all alive!"  Starscream looked around the group, waiting for an explanation, but he received none.

"Where's..."  Starscream looked around at the group again, triple-checking that he hadn't somehow missed his massive frame somewhere in the group.  "Where's Megatron?"

That elicited a visceral reaction from Rodimus.  He bared his denta, and somehow still looked ferocious even though he lacked fangs, and balled his fists so tightly it looked as though he was trying to snap the wires in them and crush his fingers.  His optics and biolights flashed so erratically that Starscream had to avert his gaze.  And change the subject, apparently.

"What are you all doing here?" he asked instead.  "Why aren't you on the _Lost Light_?"

Nope.  That just made Rodimus angrier.  The bots closest to him took a step or two away.  Except for Drift, who got a little closer, though he didn't try to touch or comfort him.

With a quiet and annoyed growl, he tried, "What happened?"

"It's a long story," Ultra Magnus said, stepping forward.  "Right now, we just need a place to recharge and get some energon."

"And a ship," Rodimus spat.

"Later," Ultra Magnus chastised.

Rodimus practically snarled as he stomped away from the group.

"Ignore him," Ultra Magnus said.  "We'll be out of here in a few days, and once we're rested we'll explain everything."

Starscream's optics followed Rodimus' tantrum.  A force of nature with no place to let loose its destruction.  He stewed and simmered as the storm inside of him only grew.  Through all of his fiery rage, one behavior stuck out.  While one fist would stay balled at his side, his other hand would intermittently touch his chest with the care of a calm mech.  He didn’t scratch or claw, just touched with a reverence.  As though his darkened Autobot symbol were something precious.  Something to be treasured.

"Okay," Starscream found himself saying.  He turned his full attention to Ultra Magnus.  "We can accommodate you for as long as you need."

"Thank you."

***

Once the meager _Lost Light_ crew had gotten a proper fuelling, Starscream met with Rodimus and Ultra Magnus in a conference room far too big for the three of them.  Every recount of Getaway and their battle with the DJD, and subsequently Megatron's betrayal following their jaunt to another universe, echoed around them.

Their story was almost too much.  Though during his life, Starscream had seen crazier things.  He'd come to realize that normalcy often hid the truth.  As crazy as their story was, he had to believe it.  If nothing else, Rodimus' seething rage, simmering just below the surface, was enough to confirm Megatron's betrayal, if nothing else.

"My people won't be happy about that," Starscream said.

"What, and you think _we are_?" Rodimus finally spoke.  Screamed, really.

"Volume, Rodimus," Ultra Magnus scolded.  "You don't need to shout."

The reprimand returned Rodimus to his simmering, still worrying at his chest.

Starscream sighed.  "Well.  Nothing to be done at the moment.  We will discuss future actions once you've all rested.  I've already got bots working on getting your rooms together."

"Thank you, Starscream."  Ultra Magnus turned to Rodimus, glowering as the Primeling stayed silent.  " _Rodimus_."

"Yeah, thanks, ‘Scream," Rodimus grumbled.

Ultra Magnus sighed.  "I'll help organize the rooms," he offered.  "Keep the troublemakers from rooming together."

Starscream smiled, stifling a laugh.  "Yes.  You see to that.  I thought perhaps Rodimus and I could discuss his plans to take back the _Lost Light_?"

Ultra Magnus looked at Starscream as though he'd grown a second helm.  He threw a passing glance Rodimus' way as he said, "Suit yourself," before heading for the door.

After Ultra Magnus left, Starscream stared at Rodimus.  Rodimus, without the sparkle in his optics or a smile on his face.  It looked like the vibrant colours had drained from his frame to be replaced with these dark new hues.  He kept fussing with the dark Autobot symbol on his chest.  He would intermittently put a hand to his belly as though his tank were upset.  But all that was on his sullen face, all that raged through his over-expanded field, was dread and worry.

Rodimus sank further down into the seat.

"The temper is very you," Starscream broke the silence, "but the holding back is not."

"What do you care?" Rodimus spat.

"Well, I'd rather not have you destroy a room _I_ will have to pay to get fixed, so I figure it will be cheaper to endure whatever it is you have bouncing around in that helm of yours."  He looked him up and down.  "A very _dark_ helm, now.  Care to explain that, too?"

"I'm not gonna break things that aren't mine," Rodimus muttered.

"Uh huh.  And Megatron said I would never be a leader."

There it was.  The bristling at his name.

Starscream smiled.  "Megatron didn't seem to think very highly of you, either, did he?  I suppose we have that in common.  Being his _lesser_ second."

"Fuck off!"

"Oooh, feisty."

Rodimus stood suddenly, kicking his chair over.  "I was never second to him!  We were _co_ -captains!"

"Mm."  Starscream chuckled.  "And I'm sure everyone respected you equally, hm?"

Rodimus practically snarled.

"Would you care to pick that up?"  Starscream leaned against the table, twisting at the middle to face Rodimus.  "Since you're all about _not_ breaking things that don't belong to you?"

He simmered a moment longer.  All vehement rage.  A fiery thing.  Then, looking at least a _little_ remorseful, he placed the chair back on its legs.

"You should stay with me," Starscream offered.  "So I can keep an optic on you.  Make sure you don't kick down any more chairs."

Rodimus scoffed.  "Yeah, okay, I'll stay with _you_."

"Perfect."

"That was sarcasm you insufferable—"

"Rodimus."  Starscream raised an optic ridge.  "There are only a select few who are going to understand what you're going through."

"What the actual fuck does that mean?"

Starscream gave him a long look.  "I think you know what it means.  Regardless, if you stay with me, it'll mean one less room I'll have to had made up.  And it will be a room befitting a _captain_."

"I'll stay with my crew, thanks.  I don't need special treatment."

"If anything, it's quite the opposite of 'special treatment.'  Your crew will have rooms made up for them, but I won't have to change a thing for you."  Starscream headed for the exit and said in passing, "It's up to you."

Rodimus crossed his arms and kind of glared at him.  Like he didn’t think he was worth a full glower.  "How many berths you got?"

Starscream threw a flirty glance over his shoulder.  "Enough."


	2. Chapter 2

Rodimus followed Starscream silently as he lead the way to his condo.  Not quite stewing now, just quiet.  Worrying.  His bad habits cropped up; he picked at his hands and occasionally chewed at imperfections.  Starscream made no comment on this, but the tips of his own fingers tingled in anticipation for him to succumb to his own nervous habit.  He managed to keep his hands at his sides until they reached his door.

"After you," Starscream said after opening the door.  He bowed slightly as he stood out of the way, allowing Rodimus passage.

"Thanks," Rodimus said, hastily taking his knuckle out of his mouth.

"Thirsty?"  Starscream made a beeline for his bar.

Rodimus' hand shot to his chest, paint-stripped fingertips opting to pick at his Autobot symbol.  "No engex for me."

"You didn't strike me as the 'virgin' type," Starscream teased.  "Any additives?  Maybe something to calm your nerves?"

"Uh..."  Rodimus' picking threatened to tear his symbol off completely.  "I... I dunno."

"Sweetener's not going to kill you."  Starscream inconspicuously turned his helm to watch Rodimus' reactions.  "And after all you've been through, maybe something to calm your spark and help you sleep?" he suggested.

"No, just..."  He looked angry for a split second, clenching his fist in lieu of picking.  "Just an energon dose, okay?  I'm _fine_."

Starscream chuckled, though not loudly enough to be heard.  "Fine" never looked this worried. 

"Well _I'm_ going to enjoy a nice cocktail," Starscream said.  "After all this craziness, I think I deserve one.  You do too, of course."  He turned, drinks in hand.  "Are you _sure_ you don't want anything more?"

"Stop fragging needling me!" Rodimus snapped.

"See, some engex would smooth out those edges."  He walked back over to him, giving him his straight energon, as he'd requested.  Once Rodimus had snatched it from him, he added, "But suit yourself."

"Maybe I just don't want to lower my inhibitions around _you_."

"Oh?"  Starscream smiled.  "Afraid I might coax you into my berth if you're not _vigilant_?"

"Just shut up and drink!"  Rodimus chugged half of his energon, realizing how hungry he was once it hit his glossa.  A little more calmly, but still irritably, he said, "Hopefully you're more palatable on a full tank.”

"I'm an acquired taste," Starscream said.  He waved Rodimus along as he walked.  "Come.  Sit.  Enjoy your plain energon like the _fun_ bot you are."

Rodimus scowled.  "At least I don't need engex to be entertaining."

"Oh, I don't need it either," Starscream sat on his couch, crossing one leg over the other, "but I find it eases..."  He looked him up and down, leaving the sultriness where it manifested.  "...difficult situations."

Rodimus made no comment to that as he sat on the other end of the couch, leaning as far away from Starscream as he was able to.

"So.  I bet your happy to be rid of Megatron," Starscream broke the silence.  He raised his drink.  "This one's for you, you aft.  May you rust in whatever Primus-forsaken universe you got trapped in."

"He didn't 'get trapped,'" Rodimus made air quotes, "he abandoned us."

"'Us?'"  Starscream laughed.  "More like he ran from his trial."

Rodimus sank lower on the couch.  "That too."

Starscream swirled his drink, watching its legs trickle down the glass.  "You consider yourself 'abandoned,' then?"

"What?"

His red gaze shifted sideways.  "You said that Megatron abandoned you."

"Well, yeah!  Like, he abandoned the _Lost Light_."  Rodimus spoke quickly.  "We're supposed to be co-captains!  He can't just... he can't just leave when he wants to!  He has a duty to his crew!"

"And to you?"

"What the frag are you on about?"

Starscream swirled his drink.  “You know, he abandoned me, too.  Not quite as _permanently_ , but sometimes I wish it had been.”

Rodimus squinted at him, anger still fizzling hotly in his field.  “You don’t usually make much sense but you’re making even less sense now.”

“He’d leave,” Starscream said.  “Usually to make a point.  To stop whatever behaviour of mine he didn’t like.  Worked for a while, too.  Sometimes I wish I had just kept letting that work and just done what he told me to do.”  He slid his gaze sideways, keeping a careful check on his emotions.  “Did he ever just leave in the middle of an argument?”

“Listen, Starscream, whatever fucked up things Megatron did to you it wasn’t like that for _us_.”  Rodimus worried more at his Autobot symbol.  A sizeable silver patch grew along the seam of his chest.  “We had _equal rank_ , for one, and for another—”

“So you’re saying he _didn’t_ lure you into his berth?”

Hands clenching into fists, Rodimus yelled, “He didn’t ‘lure me’ _he_ came to _me_!”

Starscream smirked.  “So I was right, then.”

“What are you—”

“He’s charming, Rodimus,” Starscream said coolly.  “I’m not mocking you for falling for him.  It’d be hypocritical, don’t you think?”

“We weren’t—I didn’t—”  Rodimus bit his lip and turned away, hugging himself a moment later.

Starscream turned towards him to make up for it.  He kept his voice soft and calm.  He did what he wished someone would have done for him all those years ago.  “Rodimus.  Whatever he did to you, it wasn’t your fault.  I don’t even blame you for falling for any of it.  I know how good of an actor he can be.  Sometimes he was like two different mechs: who he was around me and who he was around everyone else.”

“ _Primus_ , you don’t know anything!”  As strong as his words were, Rodimus shrank in on himself more.  “We had something _good_.  I don’t… I don’t understand.  He said he’d only be a _minute._  Why did I listen to him?”

“He’s deceitful.  He can’t care about anyone but himself.  And I used to think _we_ had something good.”

Rodimus scoffed.  “Right.”

“I could show you.”

“Yeah, hard pass, thanks.”

Starscream shrugged.  “Suit yourself, but it would get rid of that pesky little problem.  I could rid you of every trace of his CNA.”

Rodimus turned terrified and bright blue optics to him.  “What the frag are you going on about _now_?”

“His sparkling.  The one you’re carrying.”

“What?  I’m not—you don’t—we didn’t—”

“Rodimus.  It’s painfully obvious.  If you keep picking at your chest _everyone’s_ going to know.”  Starscream smirked.  “Plus, you’ve never been one to refuse a free drink.”

Rodimus bit his lip again.

“Again, I’m not mocking you.  Not _intentionally_ , anyways.  I want to help you.”

“And why would _you_ help _me_?”

“Why, indeed?”  Starscream looked off at nothing in particular.  “I’m glad you didn’t have to endure him for as long as I did.  I hope you aren’t lying when you say you had something good.  Maybe you got lucky.  But… he still left, like you said.  He abandoned you when you’re _sparked_ to a place that’s virtually impossible to get to him.”

“He… he doesn’t know.  About the sparkling, I mean.  He… I…”  A hand to his chest again, this time only touching it.  “I just found out.  I felt weird after everything so I looked at my spark and… It’s there.  So… so he didn’t know.”

“Were you anything to him?”

Rodimus’ spoiler popped up.  “Of course I was!”

“Calm down, Rodimus, I’m just _asking_.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!”

“Do you want to keep it?”

Rodimus’ silent snarl wobbled into a frown.  He put his helm in his hands.  Starscream just watched him, his spark clenching, as though watching himself through a mirror to the past.

“I don’t know,” Rodimus finally answered, quietly.

“I can help you either way,” Starscream said.  “I can get you into a place to terminate.  They’re very good and work quickly and confidentially.  No one will know you were even there.  Or, if you want to keep the little spawn, I’d be willing to overwrite Megatron’s data so know one will know of your… _affairs_.”

“They weren’t _affairs_ he _loved_ me.”  Even as Rodimus said that, doubt flooded his field.  “He didn’t even want to merge with me in the first place.  It took so long to convince him and even then we weren’t _trying_ for one, and, and I had _dampers_ so I don’t… this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“But it did and you have to deal with it,” Starscream said bluntly.  “I’ve given you your options.”

“And why would I want to merge with _you_?”  Venom in his tone had him spitting his words.

Starscream shrugged.  “If you have a better offer I would take it.”

“Maybe I want to keep his sparkling.”

He shrugged again.  “Then do it.  I won’t stop you.”

The picking started up again. 

“Listen, Rodimus, I don’t make a point of being brutally honest all that often, and believe it or not, I don’t like to see myself in others.  Especially this part.  And I see myself in you, now.  I can practically _smell_ him on you.  I don’t give a damn what you decide to do with the thing, but even if he does come back—and he _won’t_ —there’s no guarantee that he’ll even want anything to do with it.  Or you.  You can’t hold out on that hope.  So tell me, right now, in your current circumstances, what do you think is best for you and the sparkling?”

Rodimus didn’t say anything.

“It’s your choice.  No one else’s.  I can’t make it for you and I will respect whatever you decide, in the end.  No one even has to know that we had this conversation.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

Starscream watched his drink as he swirled it so he wouldn’t have to face his or Rodimus’ feelings right then.  “I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on _anyone_.  Not one bit of it.  Not the yelling, the belittling, the _violence_.  Especially not the abandonment.  You have a bright spark, Rodimus, I’d hate to see it snuffed by _him_.”  He smirked.  “Not to mention we’d make some  _hot_ sparklings, don’t you think?”

Rodimus sputtered and Starscream laughed.

“It’s an offer.  I’m not going to _jump_ you or anything.  I have a guest berthroom, but I wouldn’t be opposed to _just_ fragging.”  His smirk only grew as Rodimus floundered in his peripheries.  Who knew the speedster was so easily ruffled?

“In all seriousness, Rodimus, you do need to make this decision sooner rather than later.  If you want to overwrite the coding, that is.  It’s less likely to be successful the longer you wait.”

“… I know.”

Starscream gave Rodimus an empathetic look.  “I don’t like seeing you like this.  We’re usually at each other’s throats by now,” he teased with a smile.

A tiny smile of his own proceeded Rodimus’ decision.  “… I want to keep it.”  He sighed as the weight of the world pushed down on his shoulders.  “I don’t think I’ll be that great a parent, but I had everything in place to _not_ get sparked, so… I dunno, it’s stupid, but… maybe it was fate or some junk?”

Starscream snorted a laugh.  “Oh yes, Primus _loves_ sparking his Primes with CNA from an ex-warlord.  It’s the perfect plan.”

“Shut up!  I just meant that everything happens for a reason.”

“ _Everything_?”  Starscream’s gaze darkened. 

“Well… maybe not _everything_ , but… I said it was stupid, but I want it, okay?”

“And you’re in your rights to keep it.  But can you handle a sparkling that’s _his_ and all that that entails?”

“I—”

“If it looks like you, great, you can lie and make anyone the sire.  If it looks like _him_ , though… well, people would know you were _intimate_ with him, for one.  For two, they could resent your sparkling before they’d ever done anything wrong.  Can you handle telling your child that you fell for a genocidal dictator?”

“He’s not—!”  Rodimus growled.  “He was changing.  I saw it.  I… I hated him when Optimus put him on board.  I don’t even know how the frag I got here and you don’t need to tell me how stupid this was because I know.  I _know_.  I feel fucking guilty and stupid every time I try to sleep to the point where I _can’t_ sleep, but… he made me feel special.  Important.  He brought out the best in me and I… I thought I did the same for him.”

“You’re forgiving to a _fault_ ,” Starscream commented. 

Rodimus shrugged.

“Well.  Think on it.  Sleep on it, if you need to.”  Starscream stood, pointing.  “The guest room is just down the hall over there.  If you need anything else, comm me.”

Rodimus hugged himself.  His spoiler had drooped, but less with sorrow and more with an overwhelming tiredness that seeped into Starscream’s field. 

As he left, he said, “He took a lot of who I was.  Don’t let him do the same to you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Closing his berthroom door behind him, Starscream leaned against it.  Old memories—good and bad—made his processor swim.  Being in such close proximity to a sparked bot was awakening stifled coding that he didn’t want to address.  Which brought up _more_ memories which he _also_ didn’t want to deal with, and yet…

He made his way over to a dresser and dug through a drawer full of… anything, really.  Whatever didn’t have a place elsewhere.  He pulled out a dusty box tucked so far in the back he’d been convinced it had been lost to the ravages of time.  But there it was.  A box that suited this drawer perfectly.  It had no place.  Not now.  Not anymore.

How he’d managed to keep it with him all this time, he’d never know.  It had been his last vestige of what Vos had been.  A hope to cling to whenever the days seemed to never end. 

Every now and then, he’d take it out.  Most of the time he’d just look at its contents.  Maybe touch them.  Reverently.  On days where he needed the comfort, he’d take out the chimes and clip them to his wings, and the soft clinking would make his spark swell; bittersweet. 

The paints he didn’t dare open.  He hoped a desperate hope that somehow, as long as they were sealed, they wouldn’t dry up.  These couldn’t be replaced so easily.  Not that the chimes could either, but they could at least be replicated.  But these, they had old minerals in them.  Even if they were still in abundance, Starscream didn’t know any of their names.  He didn’t know the compositions.  He didn’t remember _anything_. 

He’d been so young when they’d came.  Before they’d taken everything, he thought they were just another part of life.  He’d never understood why the elder seekers would bristle and glare. 

Now.  Now he knew.

From a less-dusty drawer, but still buried in the back behind the paints he actually used, was a tiny still-sealed pot of shimmery gold.  He’d bought it on a whim, of course.  It was advertised as make-up for special events, but he and the winged shop owner shared a look that day.  He didn’t ask if it was a traditional mating paint.  He wanted to believe, either way.  _Why_ he ever thought he’d need something like that he didn’t dwell on.  And now maybe, just maybe, he had a reason.

Or Rodimus would have a hyperactive speedster and all of this would have been for naught.  Not that he’d agreed to any of this and not that Starscream had even thought about whether it had been a good idea to offer in the first place and—

Well.  It was done. 

The clicks and chirps, a language he'd been certain he must have forgotten by then, found his voicebox once more.  And they found him alone.  Their names—their _real_ names—left a bitter and remorseful taste on his glossa.  The last time he’d uttered them they had been a true trine.  Before the war.  Before everything.  Back when his berth was full of warmth and love.  Before it became something to fear and then, nearly as bad, a lonely place.  He’d always tire himself out working so he wouldn’t have to face the night alone again.

He missed Skywarp kicking him in his sleep.  He missed Thundercracker’s snoring.  He missed the nights where they fell asleep tangled up together.  Where no one could tell where one seeker began and the other ended.

Closing his optics and banishing his doubt and loneliness, Starscream took a seat before his vanity table.  He cracked open the paint and started with his optics.  Carefully lining them with the coruscating paint and ending them with perfect wings, he weaned himself back into his traditions.  No meanings.  Just make-up.  Something to make him feel pretty and maybe worthy of being a sire.  The initial attraction that would have prospective carriers trying to draw his attention as they displayed. 

Not that Rodimus would care or notice.  And he hadn’t even _agreed_ to it!  Why was he even doing this?

Still… his spark warmed as he found the familiar end of the brush.  It sank some as the unfamiliar end found his plating instead of one of his brother’s.  He’d helped them to doll themselves up to impress their chosen nesting seeker while they returned the favour by preening Starscream.  They wanted him to be desirable to the countless other future sires doing exactly what they were doing.  To bring a tiny life to their trine.

And after everything.  After Skywarp and Thundercracker had wooed and bonded, they’d return home to Starscream, full of his own life, and they would climb into berth together.  They’d surround Starscream almost protectively.  Warming him.  Helping to nurture the new life growing inside of him.  A prick of light just dissimilar enough to be discerned from its carrier’s spark.  A new generation of seekers glowed to life in chests all across their land.  All returned home to their trines.  All going offline in the arms of their trinemates.  All happy to have been able to share such a wonderful experience.

The mirror found him an elegant mech.  The gold around his optics caught the light at even the slightest turn of his helm.  It dazzled in his peripheral vision and made the room glimmer.

From his subconscious, it seemed, came ancient seeker glyphs drawn in gold.  One of the few elements that remained with him.  A usual and expected part of the ceremony, but he’d repeated _strength_ three times over.  Two on his wings where his Decepticon symbols used to reside.  The third tried to hide itself in the gold of his cockpit, but it caught the light just as his make-up did.  On his arms, _love_ and _prosperity_. 

In his trance filled with memories, he’d missed the small series of glyphs nearly hidden just below his cockpit.  It read _free from violence_.

The glyphs on his wings and arms had swirling lines of gold wrapping around his plating until it reached the final _strength_ above his spark.  It all lead back to that one glyph.  That single word.  A desperate hope that Starscream hoped he could pass on.

Then he remembered himself.  Remembered _him_.  This was _Rodimus_.  Not a seeker.  No matter the pomp and circumstance there was no guarantee this sparkling would even grow wings.  Even if they did, and even if by some miracle their kind returned to their ways, they wouldn’t be seen as a seeker.

Still.  It coaxed him through.

“Starscream?”

Whipping around, clutching at his now racing spark, Starscream shrieked, “Haven’t you heard of _knocking_?”

“Sorry.  I just…”  Rodimus shifted his weight from one pede to the other.  “It’s weird being alone here, I—”  He stopped.  “Woah.”

“ _What_?”

“Nothing!  Just…”  Rodimus’ optics trailed up and down his frame.  It made his plating prickle.  He couldn’t decide whether it was a good prickle or a bad prickle.  “You look… really pretty.”

Starscream couldn’t stop the pleased lift of his wings.

Rodimus’ mouth curled into a smile and he finally started looking like himself.  “You got dressed up for lil’ ol’ me?”

Starscream rolled his optics.  “What, a mech can’t pretty himself up for no reason?”

“You should do it more often,” Rodimus said. 

Starscream hid his blushing as he started stuffing everything back into their drawers.  He didn’t notice Rodimus had crossed the room until his voice was right by him.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“What’s what?”

He turned to find Rodimus holding up the chimes, fascinated as the tinkled faintly.

“Those are delicate!” Starscream snapped as he grabbed them back.  He stood and took a step away, checking them for damage.

“ _You’re_ the one not being careful!”

“Well maybe this is a lesson to not just touch another person’s stuff without permission!”

“Hmph.  Well, what are they?” he demanded, still.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“They had clips—are they for your wings?”

“Why does it matter?”

Rodimus shrugged.  “I guess it doesn’t.  I was just curious.  I’ve never seen you wear anything beyond your crown, is all.”

Starscream sighed.  His spark swirled expectantly in his chest.  How, after all these millennia, did it still remember?  Their trine bond had fallen apart so long ago.

“It’s pretty, whatever it is,” Rodimus said.  “I bet it’d look good on you.”

“Everything looks good on me,” Starscream shot back with a smile.

“Then let’s see.” 

With careful movements, to his credit, Rodimus took a hold of one of the clasps.  He didn’t take it back until Starscream’s grip yielded, though.  And he did.  He didn’t know why.  He didn’t want to explain to him what they meant, but seeing them had given him a strange comfort among the grief. 

Starscream held himself stiff as Rodimus circled behind him.  War instincts, among other instincts, had his guard rising significantly.  That, combined with the sensitivity of his wings, had him flinching away from Rodimus’ touch before he could get a clip on.

“Sorry,” Rodimus apologized.

“Not your fault.”

Rodimus rested a steadying hand on the top, now, and to his embarrassment his cooling fans came on.  They were much quieter than most, but there was no sound in the room to cover them up.  He might have called off the whole thing when smugness rolled out of Rodimus’ field, but it was quickly followed by amusement in way of apology.

“Damn, Starscream, I can’t wait to see how you’ll react when I actually do stuff to you.”

“Shut up.”

Rodimus chuckled.  “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

Starscream flushed and was glad the lights were dimmed.  It didn’t help that between every clip Rodimus was trailing his hand along the edge of his wing.  Fragger. 

“There.  And I was right.  They do look pretty on you.”  When Starscream moved and they jingled, he added, “Kinda impractical, though.  Unless you want everyone to hear you coming.”

“It’s not just an accessory you—”  Starscream made an exasperated noise.  “It’s a seeker thing.  An _old_ seeker thing.”

Rodimus continued running his fingertips along his wings.  “What kinda seeker thing?” 

Starscream sighed.  Both from annoyance and pleasure.  “You’re not going to stop, are you?”

Rodimus smiled as he circled around in front of him, no doubt seeing his red face.  “Nope.”

“If you _must_ know,” Starscream crossed his arms, “they’re from my nesting days.”

Rodimus cocked his helm.  “Nesting days?”

“To put it bluntly, it was when we’d put on displays to attract mates and make sparklings.”

Rodimus’ optics widened.

“I’m not implying anything,” Starscream snapped.  He stood and stepped out of Rodimus’ field.  “I was just looking at them.”  The flustered flap of his wings had the chimes jingling violently.  “I was about to put them away when you came in, so—”

“Well, then, get on with it.”

“What?”

Rodimus smirked.  “Win me over.”

Starscream gave him an incredulous look.  “You’re joking.”

He shrugged.  “I mean, kinda, but you’re the one who wants to spark me—”

“ _Override the coding_.”

“—so you gotta prove yourself worthy.”

Starscream growled out a sigh.  “You’re not a seeker and it doesn’t mean anything anymore and there’s much more to it than the display!”

“Then do the other stuff, too.”

Optics widening in exasperation, Starscream went back over to his vanity table.

“Hey, hey I was just teasing,” Rodimus said as he followed him.  He took a gentle hold of his wrist before he could move to take them off.  “I actually think you look really good.  And I… I want to do it.  The overriding thing.  Just… not tonight.”

“Then why are you here?”  Starscream’s array warmed in spite of himself.  His cooling fans spun just a little faster.

Rodimus shrugged.  “To see where this goes.”

Starscream glanced at him out of the corner of his optic.  “Well.  I should still take them off.  They’re delicate.”

“Oh, yeah, okay.”  Rodimus let him go.  “Sorry, I’m…”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Starscream said.  “I did offer.”

“Yeah, but you don’t _have_ to just because you said you would.”

Starscream gave him another glance.  “Oh, don’t you worry, I still want to frag you senseless.”  He smirked to himself as Rodimus’ face turned bright red.  While he was flustered, he removed the chimes and returned them to the safety of their box and the drawer.  “If you’re up for it.”

“Yeah,” Rodimus said, slapping on a smirk of his own.  “But it takes a lot to frag the sense out of me.”

“Yes, I imagine you have to _find it_ first.”

“ _Hey_!”

Starscream laughed as he turned his attention back on the gorgeous speedster.  _Primus_ the war must have taken its toll if a wheeled mech could get his motor running.  To think of the _scandal_ this would have caused in Golden Age Vos. 

“Hey, so, um…”  Rodimus’ spoiler tips joined his face in glowing a bashful red.  “Can we just… kiss a bit first?  I, we… I know I don’t have that much time, but I don’t want to rush, and…” 

Starscream smiled as walked back over to Rodimus and saw his mouth quiver into a gentle pucker that he couldn’t resist.  He carefully placed his hands on Rodimus’ waist.  When Rodimus returned the embrace, wrapping his arms around Starscream’s shoulders, he reaffirmed his grip and pulled him close.

“We go at your pace,” Starscream whispered.  “I’m not him.”

“But he didn’t—”  Rodimus sighed.  “Okay.”

Starscream made no attempt to hide his intentions; he stared at Rodimus’ lips.  He, on the other hand, kept his gaze darting between Starscream’s mouth and his optics.  It seemed like an eternity had passed before he finally started to lean in.  Starscream stayed perfectly still until the last moment, where he met Rodimus in the middle.

His lips were too damn _soft_.  Way too soft for Megatron.  Softer than he _deserved_. 

That first kiss became the catalyst of many more.  Rodimus’ hand found the back of Starscream’s helm to hold him there as he pulled him along to the berth.  They fell onto it clumsily; a little pain among new blooms of pleasure.  Rodimus paid it no mind.  If anything, his hands grew more fervent.  He paid so much attention to his wings, his fingers following the gold swirls, that Starscream already had trouble keeping his panel closed.

"What are these glyphs?" Rodimus asked, trailing his fingers over the ones on Starscream's arm. "Is this old Cybertronian?"

"In a sense.  It's the seeker equivalent."

"What's this one say?"

Starscream chirped the word, smirking when Rodimus frowned.

"Maybe in Neocybex?" Rodimus suggested.

Starscream shrugged.  "They don't translate well."

"You're a filthy liar."  Rodimus smiled, though. 

He shrugged again and Rodimus pressed said smile to Starscream’s.  After they parted, he kept tracing the glyphs and patterns.  Faraway in his thoughts.

“Can I?  Change my mind?”

“About?”  Starscream lifted an optic ridge.

Rodimus looked off to the side.  “The overriding thing.  I think… I think I wanna do it.  Tonight.  I… I dunno.  You’re right that he’s probably… he’s _not_ coming back.”

“He’s _not_ ,” Starscream agreed, “but I want you to be sure.”

Rodimus nodded.  He looked… _sweet_ , when he finally met Starscream’s gaze.  Vulnurable.  “Can I ask you a question first, though?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think I should keep it at all?”

Starscream watched him levelly.  “That’s not my decision to make.”

“If you were me, would you keep it?”

“I’m not answering that.”

“C’mon it’s just a hypothetical.”

Starscream stroked his finial in an oddly caring way.  Rodimus leaned into the touch as if no one had ever done that to him.  He shut his optics tightly, as though he were in pain.  And he was.  In a way.  _Damn_ him!

“I don’t want to sway your decision, even if it is hypothetical.  I’ve laid out my terms.  You _have_ to make this decision for yourself, Rodimus.”

“I _know_.”

Rodimus let himself fall onto Starscream, his helm on his chest.

“Take Megatron out of the equation.”  Starscream pet his spoiler.  “Imagine you don’t know the sire.  Do _you_ want a sparkling?”

“I mean… I don’t think I’d ever _plan_ for one, but if it _happened_ …”  Rodimus lifted himself up onto his hands and then sat back, avoiding Starscream’s gaze.  He gently touched his still-grey Autobot symbol.  “Yeah.  Yeah, I’d keep it.”

Starscream stroked up Rodimus’ thighs and elicited a shiver from his frame.  “Then I think you have your answer.  Now that that’s sorted out, can we get back to what we were doing?”  His hands continued their journey until they cupped his aft.

Rodimus grinned, looking much more like himself.  “ _Gladly_.”

This time, when Rodimus’ lips found Starscream’s again, there was no trepidation.  Less _doubt_.  And most importantly, less tension in his frame.  Which meant it arched at every pull of his hands.

Megatron didn’t know what he had.

Starscream rolled them over until he was atop Rodimus.  He lifted his arms above his helm and gave him this strange look that was a mix of lust and wonder with a twinge of trepidation.

Biting his lip as he leaned down over him, he switched to biting at Rodimus’ neck.  Gently.  Still, Rodimus gasped and arched.  An intense wave of lust rolled out through his frame and nearly overrode Starscream’s prompt to open his panels.  He caught it just in time.

“Do you want to frag first or merge?” Starscream asked into his neck.  He kept kissing there.  He couldn’t stop.  Soon enough he wouldn’t be able to deny his frame’s urge to rut into Rodimus. 

“I…” 

Starscream forced himself to sit up when the fear had Rodimus’ plating rattling.

“Are you sure you want this?” Starscream asked gently.

Rodimus closed his optics and nodded.  “It’s what’s best for them.”

“It’s intense.”

“I know.”

“We might see some things we don’t want to relive.”

Rodimus put his hand over his spark.  The searing pain of the past had nearly broken him out of his first bond.

“I know,” Rodimus said more quietly.  He fixed Starscream with as steady a gaze as he was able.  “I’m ready.”

Starscream looked at him a while longer before kissing him once more.  Chastely.  He crawled down a shivering Rodimus’ frame, feeling his optics watching his every move.

Starscream kissed just above Rodimus’ Autobot symbol, and he stiffened, laying back.  He relaxed the more kisses he lay.  He trailed a finger down the nigh imperceptible seam.  _Open up_ , he said through his actions.  He met Rodimus’ optics briefly, and his gaze was stolen by the intense blue-white light of his spark as he revealed it.  Orbiting the brilliant crystal was a tiny nub of light, just barely larger than the tip of a finger.

"There they are," Starscream murmured.  "Such a tiny thing.  Careful, now," he added softly when both spark and sparkling started to race.  "Relax, Rodimus.  You're safe.  I'm not going to hurt you."  He leaned down to kiss Rodimus, feeling the edge of the spark fields prick at his own chest, begging him to come out and play.  "Shh..." he whispered into his lips before stealing another kiss.

"Get to it already."  Rodimus pawed impatiently at Starscream's chest.  "We shouldn't waste time, right?"

"A few minutes won't change anything."  Starscream kissed him again.  Slowly.  “Or a few _hours_.”  As sadistic as he was, he quite enjoyed how desperate Rodimus became.  How he practically _clawed_ at his chest.  How his lips vibrated and scowled with the growl from deep within his intake.  Every second that passed turned him more primal as he relied on his base coding.  The coding that wanted him to interface and bond as many times as he could.  The same coding determined to give his sparkling the best chance of survival.  The coding Starscream was forcing him to keep in check.

Oh, one little touch couldn't hurt.

Starscream lightly pet the bud and at first it shied away from him.  It knew Starscream wasn’t its sire, but after a minute or so of gentle strokes to its carrier’s spark with no negative reactions, it tested the waters by nudging against his finger.

“I won’t hurt you,” Starscream whispered.

Rodimus’ sparkling nudged up against him, judging him.  When Starscream dipped his hand in further, cupping Rodimus’ spark, it danced fluidly around his fingertips.

"F-frag, that's, that's so weird."

"Should I stop?"  Already Starscream retreated and let his hand come to rest on the berth. 

"No, it's just... I dunno how to describe it.  I feel it, but it's not _me_ feeling it... you know?"

Starscream chuckled.  "Can't say I do."

Rodimus panted, looking at his sparkling with both confusion and love.  It zigzagged around the crystal, no doubt searching for the gentle touch.  Eventually it stopped, seeming to hover at the apex.

“Do it again?” Rodimus requested.

Starscream nodded and then carefully reached in again.  This time, the sparkling seemed to stretch out to meet him, sensing his now-familiar field.  It swirled up and over his fingers, a thin tendril keeping it safely tethered.  In its wake, it left a faint tingle and created a magnificent light show.

“It’s beautiful,” Starscream mused aloud.  He didn’t let on that he wasn’t talking about the sparkling.

“He likes you,” Rodimus said with a wobbly smile.  He sighed and settled comfortably as liquid warmth spread out through his lines.

“He’ll like anyone if his carrier does.”  Starscream smirked, but it _was_ true. 

When Rodimus pursed his lips, looking a little indignant, Starscream leaned down to kiss at the nub of light who flickered happily and did a couple of quick orbits around Rodimus’ spark.  He caught Rodimus’ gaze before closing his optics to do it a few more times, and then once to the surface of his spark.

Rodimus gasped and quivered.

“Good?”

He nodded enthusiastically.

Starscream lay down next to him, briefly removing his hand, but returning once he was settled.  Here, he could watch as Rodimus arched into his touch and watch the light show projected onto the ceiling.

“Hold on.”

Starscream got up out of berth and before Rodimus could ask where he was going, he crossed the room and flicked the lights off, though it wasn’t much different.  Rodimus lit up the room. 

Stopping before the berth, Starscream took in the majesty.  To think of all the beauty he had snuffed—that they’d _all_ snuffed—and for what?  Vos was still gone.  The seekers scattered and broken.  Was anyone truly free?  Had anything changed for the _good_?

“Starscream?”  Rodimus sat up, bathing Starscream in his sparklight until he practically _glowed_.  “You okay?”

Starscream nodded.  “Fine.”

One of the last vestiges of Vos eclipsed one of the last Nyonians.  They’d both lost their homes.  Their entire _world_.

They really were two sides of the same coin.

Starscream kissed him deeply.  He pressed Rodimus’ frame into his berth and added his own light to him.  The sight had Rodimus freezing for a moment before relaxing in his arms.

“You’re _sure_ you want this?” Starscream murmured. 

Rodimus nodded and met his gaze.  “If you’ll take care of them.”  He pet his sparkling, who excitedly followed his every movement. 

“Everything you need,” Starscream promised.

Rodimus gently tugged at Starscream.  “Then what are you waiting for?”

Starscream swallowed as Rodimus’ gravity pulled him in.  Their sparks shifted forward ever so slightly, growing oblong as the neared.  The sparkling pulled and threatened to disconnected as tendrils of fluid light reached out and made first contact.  Each little flash had both bots gasping.

Too late to change his mind, Starscream inched forward and moaned when he felt the first proper touch of their sparks.  In the background, seeming so far away, Rodimus clawed at his back.  He whimpered with relief as their coronas meshed and tugged and tugged until!—

They became one.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: this is where the Rape/Non-Con tag comes in (not between Rodimus and Starscream, though)

_A wide expanse of land lay below a cliff where Starscream stood, his pedes tips just slightly over the edge.  He felt on top of the world.  He felt like he actually was on top.  Of his life—of_ everything _.  What could a bot order a seeker to do atop a cliff?  He could just fly away, or even push them off of the cliff._

_Starscream snickered to himself._

_“What’s so funny?”_

That voice.

_Starscream turned, fear alight in his spark, but it was okay.  He could fly away.  He could get away this time.  But the face that greeted him was not one of scorn and thinly veiled rage, but one of a soft smile and caring red optics.  A Megatron he hadn’t seen in eons.  Not while he was looking at him, anyways._

_“Oh… just thinking about things,” Starscream said cautiously, though his barrier had already fallen.  He didn’t really remember having it up to begin with._

_“It’s still such a beautiful view,” Megatron said as he came up beside Starscream.  “Though…”  His arm snaked around his waist, and though Starscream’s first instinct was to flee, he didn’t.  In fact, he leaned into the touch.  “… not as beautiful as you.”_

_Starscream smiled wide and hugged himself closer._

_“Starscream… I wanted to tell you something,” Megatron said, trepidation in his voice._

_“Oh?”_

_“I’m not… I’m not who you think I am.”_

_Starscream pulled away from Megatron, but only went so far as to be able to see his face.  “What is it?”_

_Megatron lifted one of Starscream’s hands to his face and kissed it gently, lingering as he gathered his thoughts.  He told Starscream about the deaths.  About the blood on his hands.  About what he had to do for the good of the fledgling Decepticons.  Remorse came through clearly in his words, and yet he made a point to add how all of this was necessary._

_“Good,” Starscream said once he’d finished his story._

_“What?”_

_“Let’s tear down the Senate,” Starscream said almost gleefully.  “They’ve made it abundantly clear that they don’t give a slag whether we live or die.  And since they won’t listen to reason, it’s time to use force.”_

_Megatron looked shocked for a moment, and then his mouth twisted into a grin of itself.  “I knew you would understand.  And I have something for you.  A title, and… something that I can only make for you once you give a part of yourself to me.”_

_“Oh?”  Starscream’s optic ridge popped up with intrigue._

_“Starscream of Vos,” his name rolled off of Megatron’s glossa with lust, “second-in-command of the Decepticons.  But, it cannot be truly official until I give you your badge.”_

_As the sun set on the horizon and the stars peeked out of the inky blackness, Starscream made his own light.  The lumbering shadow of Megatron tearing into his chest spilt across the landscape._

_“We will rule together, you and I,” Megatron murmured, though he couldn’t be heard over Starscream’s cries of pain.  “My perfect conjunx.”_

Starscream came to, or at least _partially_.  His processor still floated in the clouds, but he felt the distinct difference in the hands on his frame, and the searing pain in his chest morphed into something almost as pleasurable.  Almost.

“Woah.”  Rodimus blinked so fast he had to shut his optics and reset them.  “Uh, that was kind of fucked up.”

“It was the perfect courtship,” Starscream said wistfully.  His gaze was far-off and he seemed to look right through Rodimus.  “We made love at the edge of that cliff.  My spark burned when we bonded and ached for months afterwards, but it was worth it.  It was all worth it.”  His smile faded.

“… Was it?”

Starscream’s optics grew hazy.  A mix of wistfulness and grief overwhelmed them and Rodimus felt the bud drift away from Starscream’s spark.

“We were happy,” Starscream whispered.  “ _Were_.  It’s just what he does.  He makes you happy until he doesn’t.”

“But we—”

“Whatever he _used_ to do doesn’t matter!” Starscream snapped.  His field flared out and startled Rodimus’ sparkling to the back of his casing.  Calming himself down for their sake, he said more quietly, “He’s gone.  He did what he did, and he’s gone.  We—you can’t keep living your life for him.”

“I’m _not_ , I’m just… _frag_ , Starscream, this just happened!”

Rodimus’ sadness seeped through them both.  They missed him.  Both of them.

Starscream pushed that feeling out.  “Stop thinking about yourself.  How is your sparkling going to feel if you’re pining after someone they don’t even know?”

“I _loved_ him!  I can’t just shake that off!”

“He didn’t love you.”

“What do _you_ know?  Because he obviously didn’t love _you_!”

Starscream scoffed.  “I know him better than you.  That’s not a good thing, by the way, but he can’t love _anyone_.”

Rodimus grit his denta.

“Ah, ah.  It’s not good for the sparkling.”

“Neither are bad memories!”

“Oh, Rodimus.”  Starscream shook his helm lightly.  “Don’t you see?  That _was_ good.  Do you want to see what he did to me when he _didn’t_ love me?”

Before Rodimus could accept or protest, Starscream flung them back in.  Back to a time where Megatron laid hands on him.  _Rough_ hands.  Not quite punches yet, oh no.  _Lord Megatron_ would never harm his conjunx.  His _brilliant_ second-in-command.  But he would yank him along until his shoulder threatened to disconnect.  He’d trap him so he couldn’t escape and berate him.  _Loudly_.  Still not in front of others.  Not yet.  But Starscream’s audials would ring and his spark would ache and then confusion would consume him when later that same day he would corner him again.  This time, though, it was to press him up against a wall and kiss him.  Still rough.  He never asked if he wanted it.  And a lot of the time, he didn’t.  Not anymore.

Every touch left marks on his plating.  Every biting remark left unseen scars.  He pushed and he pushed and he _pushed_ , and it only got worse when Starscream pushed back.

Suddenly, Megatron had a reason to beat him in public.  His conjunx?  No.  An example.  An example for what will happen to insubordination.  To anyone who challenges his leadership, and consequently, the Decepticon cause. 

Through Starscream’s painful gaze, they watched as he focused on his trinemates.  He pleaded with them to help him.  Did their trine bond mean nothing?  At first, they turned away.  They couldn’t watch.  But as the years stretched out and their war seemed endless, they would watch as the others would; fearfully, or with crossed arms and nonchalance.  That all depended on whether they had reason to fear being in his position.

And still, whenever the mood struck him, Starscream was there to please him.  He stopped fighting it.  If Megatron felt merciful, and he often wasn’t, a good night of fragging might make him more complacent.  Some days he would be lucky to receive only a glare and some sharp words.  Some days he even warmed him up.  Kissed him.  Told him he was beautiful.  But as time went on and Megatron began to bore of him, he—

Rodimus yanked them back out, rolling them over.  Trying to protect him.  His arms wrapped tightly around Starscream as he whispered, “Stop,” over and over.  When he caught Starscream’s gaze, he added, “Please.”

The tiny lump of sparkling had fled to the back of Rodimus’ spark as Starscream’s crackled with anger, nearly completely separated from its counterpart.

“It gets worse,” Starscream warned.

Rodimus shook his helm.  “I don’t want to see it.”

“Yeah?  Well I didn’t want to live it.”

The warm embrace of sympathy engulfed Starscream.

“I’m so sorry,” Rodimus whispered.  It was all he said.  All he _could_ say.  He wanted to apologize for making him relive it all.  For being with the mech who brought him so much pain.  Someone like Megatron was beyond redemption, and a few years co-captaining in close quarters wouldn’t change that.

“I’m not blaming you,” Starscream said levelly.  “He’s annoyingly charming.  For Primus’ sake the mech tried to _kill you_ and _still_ managed to steal your spark.  He’s manipulative.  It’s what he does.”

“He didn’t manipulate me!” Rodimus shrieked.  His bitlet let out a shower of sparks and called both of their attention.  After taking a few deep ventilations, he said much more calmly, “He left, but it’s not like we had something unhealthy.  He was always checking in on me.  He didn’t want us to be together in the first place.  ‘Cause he knew.  We both knew.  I just… figured we had more time.”

“Stop lamenting.  He’s gone.”

“I know.”  Rodimus shut his optics and bit his lip.  “But he _did_ love me.”

Starscream felt the pull of more memories as their sparks rejoined.  He didn’t want to see _their_ happy memories any more than Rodimus wanted to see his bitter ones.  In the end he was simply too tired to fight it.

He succumbed to him.  It seemed all he could do was submit.

_“Rodimus?” Megatron asked from the doorway._

_“Hey.”  Starscream, watching from inside of Rodimus, practically skipped to him, taking a hold of his hand and pulling him inside his room.  A hand that held his back gently._ Gently _.  “You ready?”_

_“Are you?”  Megatron looked like he was in pain._

_“So ready.”  Rodimus stretched onto the fore of his pedes, and their shared vision momentarily went black as he pressed a kiss to waiting lips.  Lips happy to kiss him back.  Lips that he didn’t fear were hiding all manner of belittlement behind those sharp fangs.  When his optics blinked back open and gazed lovingly at Megatron’s face, he said, “I’m ready to be yours.”_

No, you’re not, _Starscream protested._   You don’t want to be his.

_The past Rodimus paid him no mind, but in the present Rodimus’ spark flared with a mix of sorrow and longing._

_After some weak protesting from Megatron, Rodimus managed to lead him to the berth, where his strangely gentle hands found him again, and where no fear blossomed even when Megatron got on top.  If anything, Rodimus pulled him in giddily.  He tried to tug him closer.  Kiss him longer._

Don’t let him in.

 _Megatron smiled at him lovingly.  His field enveloped him with adoration and safety and he actually did feel like that.  He felt_ safe _.  Beneath_ Megatron _.  He didn’t fear his hands on his frame.  If his fangs met with metalmesh, it was to enhance his pleasure and not a show of force.  He moaned when the sharp points dug into his neck._

_“I love you,” Rodimus whispered._

_Kissing at lines coursing with scalding energon, he rumbled, from deep within his chest, “I love you, too.”_

He can’t.

_A twinge of annoyance momentarily drained the memory of its colour.  When it returned, Rodimus had opened his valve cover, asking quietly, “Can we?  First?”_

_“Anything for you, my Sun.”_

It won’t last.

_Despite Starscream’s commentary, Megatron was nothing but gentle as he slowly rocked into Rodimus.  Careful with every movement.  Love thick in his field as he watched Rodimus come undone._

_Arching off of the berth, Rodimus dug his fingers into Megatron’s back.  He cracked open his optics to find Megatron watching him.  He felt vulnerable.  Seen.  He almost wanted him to stop, but… he was smiling.  It was the smile Rodimus adored.  The one he wanted to see so much more, but then it wouldn’t be as special._

_Suddenly, the mood shifted.  Megatron’s face turned angry and yet indifferent.  The warm darkness turned cold and the pleasure abruptly switched to fear and pain.  They still clawed at Megatron’s frame, but it was from holding on.  That, and subtly trying to inflict some pain back._

_Starscream’s ventilations grew laboured.  He turned his helm from side to side, optics wide, trying to escape._ Escape _._

“Starscream!”

_He heard his name.  Who said that?  Not Megatron.  He was grunting and growling._

_Just survive it.  He’s done worse._

_He spread his legs further.  It didn’t help with the pain, but at least Megatron made a pleasured noise._

_Just do what he wants._

“Starscream!”

The pain moved to his chest and Starscream gasped as the face before him turned concerned and youthful.  Rodimus’ optics frantically searched his gaze and when he saw him return from the past, he ventilated a sigh of relief and hugged himself to Starscream.

“I’m so sorry,” he said into his neck cables.  “I didn’t know, I… I mean I did, but not like that.  I… Primus, take him _away_.”

The warmth in his chest crackled.

“It’s over,” Starscream said quietly, resigned. 

Rodimus kissed him with trembling lips.

“I’m used to it,” Starscream said, annoyance creeping into his tone.

“You shouldn’t be.”  His optics searched his face, distraught.  “No one deserves that.”

“I _know_.”  Starscream touched Rodimus’ cheek.  “I shouldn’t have succumbed to the memory.”

Rodimus shook his helm.  “It was my fault.”

“No.  It was _his_.”

“I still shouldn’t have—”

“ _Rodimus_.”  Starscream sighed.  “I don’t fault you for being with him.  I’m sure you got to see a much better side.  I’m more than what he did to me.  I know that now.”

“How are you so calm?”

“I’m sorry, do you want me to cry?  Do you want me to whimper and say ‘woe is me’?  Should I let that bastard ruin my present, too?”

“Well, no, but—”

“I knew this could happen.  I admit I…”  He shut his optics, pushing the recent memory from his processor.  “I could have handled that better.”

“Primus, Starscream, you didn’t do anything wrong!”

Starscream stared at him blankly.  Like he was staring through him.

Not knowing what to do, Rodimus stroked Starscream’s cheek and just stayed in the moment with him.  Slowly, their shared sparkbeat calmed and the nub swirling them settled, too, keeping a steady orbit.  The crackling turned to a prickle which faded.  Everything stilled.  The quiet night embraced them.

“Can I kiss you?” Rodimus asked.

Starscream’s optics focused.  He nodded minutely.

Rodimus hesitated a moment longer before tentatively touching his lips to Starscream’s.  A gentle kiss.  Everything Megatron wasn’t.

“I’m sorry,” Rodimus whispered.  “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“I’m so—”

“The point of this is to forget about him.  Stop dwelling.”

A flash of yearning rushed out through their combined form.  Shortly after, regret. 

“I don’t know if I can,” Rodimus admitted, barely audible.

Starscream sighed.  It was so drawn out Rodimus actually had to press himself closer as his chest deflated.

“I’m sorry.”  Rodimus sounded like a broken record at this point.  Starscream didn’t say anything to this apology because he seemed hellbent on blaming himself.

“There’s going to be more,” he warned.

Rodimus hugged him tighter. 

“Every connection just leads back to him,” Starscream whispered his thoughts aloud.  Not like it mattered.  Rodimus could see it all, if he wanted to.  “It’s all we have.”

“I don’t know what to do.” 

Starscream kissed the top of his helm in a strangely caring way.  He stroked his spoiler as though he were the one who needed to be cared for.  And maybe he did.  His pain was still fresh.

The bond pulled at them again, and neither could fight it.  Beyond their control, a new memory surfaced. 

Back on the _Lost Light_.  But this time, Rodimus faced a much more familiar Megatron.

 _A cold anger seethed just below Megatron’s plating.  “What were you_ thinking _?”_

_Rodimus shrugged, crossing his arms.  His spark raced and burned in his chest._

_“No one can know!”_

_“Why not?” Rodimus shouted.  “What, are you embarrassed by me?_

_Megatron growled frustratedly and rolled his optics.  “Hardly.  I want to_ protect _you.  You shouldn’t be with me.”  He sighed.  “I want nothing more than to let the world know that you’re mine.”_

Possessive _bastard_. 

Rodimus gave no input.  No reaction.

 _“Then_ do it! _This is_ killing _me!  I can’t even hold your hand or sleep beside you or kiss you good morning and you don’t even_ care _!”_

 _“We_ can’t _.  I know you know this.  And besides, it’s not professional.”_

 _Rodimus hugged himself.  “I don’t even feel like we’re in a relationship.  We kiss like, what, once a week?_ Maybe _?  I can’t even remember the last time we fragged.  I just feel like you don’t actually want to be with me but_ I love you _and I want—”_

_His optics widened when he realized what he’d said.  Megatron’s did, too._

_Trying to play it off, Rodimus continued.  “Can we_ at least _plan some more time together?  Can you come over_ tonight _?  We don’t work tomorrow.”_

_“No.”_

_“But—"_

_“This conversation is_ over _.”_

_Megatron left.  Rodimus felt frozen to the spot._

“Rodimus.”  Starscream gently touched his cheek.  His optics were wide and stared right through him.  “It’s just a memory.  You’re here.  You’re safe.”

It took a kiss to his cheek to bring him back to reality.  Rodimus blinked rapidly, confusion making his spark ache when Starscream, not Megatron, lay below him.

Rodimus looked away.

“How often did he do that?” Starscream asked as gently as possible.  It was hard when he was seething with rage.  Megatron would never change.  He just got better at hiding it.

Rodimus shook his helm.  “It was just that one time,” he said.  “I just stopped trying to do anything around other people.”

“So, he manipulated you?”

“No!  He!—you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

The next dive into memories had Starscream at the helm, pulling Rodimus along.  A montage of arguments, ended by Megatron walking out and Starscream never bringing it up again played like a horror movie.  Rodimus’ tank twisted, but Starscream watched, unfazed.

“He still did it,” Starscream murmured.  “Once is enough.”

“He just… he didn’t want me to live with the baggage.”

“And it worked out,” Starscream said.  “But what if he had stayed?  Would you have been alright with it all being a secret?  What would happen to your sparkling?  Would he force you to get rid of it?”

“No!  He wouldn’t!”

“Are you _sure_?”

Rodimus grit his denta.  He looked about ready to unleash hell upon Starscream, but he didn’t.  He deflated.  His spoiler drooped. 

Starscream tucked his helm into the crook of his neck.  “The Megatron I know would have made _me_ get rid of it,” he said.  “Maybe yours wouldn’t.  We won’t know.  All we know is what he _has_ done, and that was _abandon_ you.  After he told you he would be back.  He _lied_ to you.”

The freshest of all the memories shared came next.  Its image was nearly crystal clear.  As though Starscream were right in front of Megatron.  An… an _angry_ Megatron.  But he had his Autobot symbol.  What…?

Megatron was pointing at him and yelling, and his throat burned as he yelled back.

As _Rodimus_ yelled back.

And there was something in the way his spark ached beneath the burning rage.  From regret.  From remembering just _who_ he fell for.  For realizing how much of an idiot he was for being in too deep.

They _had_ to get back.  Retake the ship.  But deep down, way down, he knew that bringing Megatron back would be his end.  His only chance at life was staying here, but that couldn’t be.  That couldn’t be, and he couldn’t even _entertain_ the idea at being okay with that because _no one knew they were conjunx_.

The stress of it all.  The pain.  It all came out in one big, messy argument that hid all manner of grievances beneath the obvious ones.

Rodimus pulled them back.

“But…”  For a few moments of silence, Rodimus tried to find a defense.  He was always defending him.

“That was wrong.  There’s no defending that.  And I get it.  I _do_.  When we were happy, I…”  A flash of smiles and kisses and warm nights flooded their shared consciousness.  “And it was never all bad.  There were good days.  _Great_ days.  But even if they outweighed the bad, that still doesn’t make what he did _right_.  Rodimus… it took a lot for me to accept that it wasn’t my fault.  And just because you were never ‘as bad’ doesn’t matter.  He’s charming.  He has a silver tongue.  He started a _revolution_ for Primus’ sake.  You don’t just blindly follow someone if you don’t believe what you’re doing is _right_.  You don’t fall in love with someone who _hurts_ you.  They slowly show that side _after_ they’ve won you over.”

Rodimus shook.  Starscream felt something wet trickle down his neck.  When he shifted, he caught the sight of twin coolant streams running down a crumpled face.

“It’s not your fault,” Starscream repeated, tucking him back against him as his sobs grew audible. “It’s not your fault.”

They stayed like that for some time, drifting in and out of the bond.  They tried to be spectators.  Tried to watch this as though it were a movie and didn’t truly affect them.  They wanted to feel for these “characters”, but when all was said and done, they didn’t have to deal with the repercussions. 

If only.

Starscream numbed himself; a familiar existence.  Even as Rodimus tried to bring him back, he just stared, dully, as another moment of Megatron’s wrath flashed by.

“I’m sorry,” Rodimus whispered.  A new tear rolled down his cheek.  “I guess I always kind of blamed you for…”  He touched his forehelm to Starscream’s.  “It was all him.”

It all came to an unremarkable end.  What was supposed to be “the overload of the frame” left the pair feeling empty and exhausted.  It wasn’t _bad_ , but… they’d certainly had better. 

Still.  It came with everything a fresh bond afforded.  When fingertips would brush a cheek, the one receiving the touch already felt the arm move.  Their private thoughts were no longer private.  Every worry and insecurity came to light, but in a way it was good. 

“Someone can still love you,” Rodimus murmured.  “You’re not broken.”

“I know!” Starscream shrieked.  He turned his reddening face away.

“And you won’t turn out like him.  That I know for sure.”

Starscream clenched his fists.  He shifted Rodimus off of him and turned his back to him even though his spark cried out at the distance.  The _minimal_ distance.  Primus, how did he survive this the first time?

“Hey.  C’mon back.”  Rodimus gently pulled at his waist.  “I _know_ you want to.  And I know that you can see that I want it, too, so just let yourself do it.”

A twinge of worry from Rodimus had Starscream turning his helm back.

“You are enough,” he whispered.  “Your worth isn’t determined by someone else.”

“C’mon, Star, don’t, just… just hold me, ‘kay?”

There was no point fighting it.  The bond necessitated a certain closeness for a while.  Just until their sparks settled and got re-accustomed to being on their own.  But they never would be.  Not really.  Not anymore.

Rodimus kissed him.  He kissed him and pulled him closer and before he knew it Starscream was over him.  Over him, and between his legs.

 _Please_.  The way Rodimus bit his lip and looked away, sheepish, let Starscream know he hadn’t meant him to hear that.

They shouldn’t.  Starscream _knew_ they shouldn’t.  They’d both used interfacing like currency and emotions were high and the bond would make them do stupid things.  But even knowing that, and with Rodimus seeing his trepidation, the reason, and _also_ knowing they shouldn’t, their panels snapped open and their limbs tangled up together.

In the moment, it was good.  _Better_ than good.  The bond gave them a strange double feeling and Rodimus moaned loudly in his audial.

Their sparks spurred them on and then Rodimus even more so.  He wrapped his legs around Starscream’s hips and mouthed incoherently against whatever bit of plating happened to pass his lips.

“More, more, oh, please, more Starscream it’s _so good_.”

When Rodimus’ legs started to slip, Starscream got his hands on his thighs and all but folded him in half.  He slammed home again and again and again and Rodimus cried out his name. 

It was everything he imagined a night with someone like him would be.  Fast, rough, and hot as hell.  He felt himself getting close when the memory creep started.

At first, he blinked and nearly missed it.  His own face.  Staring up at himself from the sheets, fear and pain alight in his optics.  He passed it off as a trick of the light, but then—

_“Please,” he begged himself.  “You’re hurting me.”_

“What?  I—”

“Starscream?”

The next past among the present had Starscream living up to his namesake.

The Starscream beneath him _screamed_.

Starscream finished quickly.  He felt empty and alone and _scared_ as he fed Rodimus’ frame the transfluid it desired, and then he rolled off of him and ventilated hard.  He kept his helm turned away, but he felt Rodimus’ hand breach his field and he held his ventilations until it retreated.  He felt Rodimus breach his consciousness.  He considered shutting him out, but was too tired to do that or to explain.

Rodimus pulled away both mentally and physically.

“Goodnight, Starscream,” Rodimus whispered.

Starscream said nothing in return.  He shut his optics, but his spark still raced and his ventilations wouldn’t calm like Rodimus’ had.  He gripped the sheets hard, and even with the soft buffer his claws still dug into his palm.

Eventually, he found fitful sleep.  Megatrons of all shapes and sizes haunted him.  Megatrons of all _temperaments_ , too. 

 _His_ , Megatron.  The one that he kept close to his spark.  The one he couldn’t let go no matter how many years proving himself to be anything but that passed.  The one that, despite everything, despite what he _knew_ could no longer be, hoped lived somewhere in that old spark of his.  In that new frame.  The one frame that had never laid a hand on his.

The one he knew best.  The one _everyone_ knew best.  The one who had tainted and molded him.  The one who, even here in his very berth, controlled him.  The Megatron who had wounded both broken mechs lying there.  The one who had nearly added them to his field; lost among the millions of identical flowers.

And then there was _Rodimus’_ Megatron.  One so foreign to him he couldn’t believe they were of the same spark.  A pacifist Megatron.  An _atoning_ Megatron.  As if genocide could ever be atoned for.  As if he shouldn’t have been struck down or left to rot in some Primus-forsaken prison for the rest of his seemingly endless life.

As if Starscream didn’t deserve the same.

He rolled over to face Rodimus, and found the pale light of dawn bleeding up into the sky.  Just enough light to give the room shape. 

Rodimus slumbered peacefully.  It was as if a mirror were between them, but instead of a normal reflection, it showed the past.  Who he used to be.  Young and rebellious and trying to do what was right for him and stupidly falling in love with the wrong bot. 

He hoped what he’d given had been enough.  At least to rid his bright spark of him.

“Hey,” Starscream whispered, his optics on Rodimus’ chest.  Right where his Autobot symbol still proudly sat.  A symbol he could still wear and celebrate. 

Starscream rested a gentle hand over it, and he felt their sparkling’s warmth as it danced forward to meet its sire.  They’d done it, alright. 

“Don’t turn out like me,” he whispered to them.  “Or him, for that matter.  Or…”  Megatron’s face flashed through his processor.  No.  He’d gotten _rid_ of him.  “Don’t let us be your role models.  Be better.  Do better.”

The sparkling didn’t move.

“You don’t have to change the world.  Just live.  Be happy.  I’ll give you everything you need.”

Starscream’s optic covers sagged despite the growing light on the horizon.  He blinked lazily, and each successive blink kept his optics shuttered a moment longer, until they stayed closed.  Recharge finally claimed him, and in it he found his only peace in life, and his new sparkling hummed appreciatively beneath his palm.


	5. Chapter 5

Rodimus blinked his optics open, shielding them as the sun’s rays found them and confusion overcame his bleary processor.  A helmache suddenly made itself known, and his spark cried out in a similar pain, though much duller.  He held his chest as he sat up, and felt the incessant pulse of his sparkling at the forefront of his spark casing.  Right where the ache sat.

“What do you need?” Rodimus asked groggily.  “Energon?”

He tried to think back to that quick web search he’d done.  Literally hiding away in a closet so no one would know what he was doing.  He hadn’t found much; Ultra Magnus found him after about a minute to complain about some minor infraction, but what he had learned was that a sparkling would increase his energon consumption.  So… maybe they were hungry?

He turned his helm, and found the berth empty.

“Starscream?” he called out.

No answer.

“Do we go snooping?” he asked his chest.  The throb said _yes_.  “Okay, where do you think he keeps his personal store?  It’s gotta be hidden away here somewhere, right?”

The throb continued.  It pulled him forward and out of berth. 

“Chill out.  I’ll find us something.”

Though, in such a barren room with little more than a berth, a full-length mirror he avoided like the cybonic plague, and a vanity table, where would Starscream even stash energon?  He’d bet shanix that there was a hidden compartment somewhere in here with engex, but regular energon?  Stuff suitable for a sparked mech to consume?  Probably not, now that he thought about it.

“At least I don’t have to be alone anymore,” Rodimus murmured to the insistent pull in his chest.  “And I’ve got you to be my alibi when Starscream finds me tearing apart his cabinets.”

Rodimus felt a new tug on his spark before he heard him speak.

“Morning,” Starscream said groggily. 

Rodimus turned around quickly to find a half-asleep Starscream dragging his pedes through the berthroom doorway.  Before he had time to reply, he wrapped his arms around Rodimus’ waist.  He burrowed his face into the crook of his neck and kissed the sensitive metal.

“Morning.”  Confliction had Rodimus frozen.

“Feeling okay?”

“Hungry as hell, but yeah, I guess.”  His tank still cramped and his spark still throbbed, though less painfully than before.  Starscream’s embrace seemed to have cured his helmache somehow.  Even with his voice the way it was.  Though right then, close enough to whisper, his voice sat deep in his chest and rumbled out smoothly.

Okay, he must be tired if he was thinking that Starscream’s voice sounded _nice_.

“I’ll get you something to drink,” Starscream murmured _sweetly_ of all things.  “Go back to berth. I’ll join you soon.”

“I’m already up.”

“Didn’t say we’d be getting more recharge.”  Starscream smiled clumsily against him. 

Rodimus’ cheeks warmed.  “Oh, uh… okay.”

With a gentle kiss to Rodimus’ jawline, Starscream made his way back down the stairs, and the aches returned.  Most prominently, the little bitlet gave him hell.

“Stop it, you,” Rodimus gently chastised it.  “He’ll be right back.  Why do you even care?”

Without an answer, Rodimus returned to the gentle cradle that was Starscream’s berth.  While his sparkling still nagged at him his sore frame sighed with relief among the plushness.  Plushness he’d soon be sharing with Starscream, again.  Something he found himself looking forward to.

Starscream returned shortly, energon in hand.  More than Rodimus would have gotten for himself.

“Have you increased your rations at all?” Starscream asked.

“Haven’t had the chance to.”

Starscream made a disapproving noise.  “Two doses every morning.  At minimum.  Don’t ignore when you get hungry, because you’ll burn through your energon faster.  I’ve got plenty in my pantry so take some when you need it.”

Rodimus nodded even though he’d tuned out after the first few words.

“Here,” Starscream handed him one dose, “for each one you finish I’ll give you a kiss.”

“Is that supposed to be a reward?”

Starscream lifted an optic ridge with a smirk.  “Isn’t it?”

Rodimus started drinking and finished quickly.  The sparkling kept pulsing and he hoped the answer lay in the next dose.

“Slow down, hot shot,” Starscream said.  “Don’t you want your kiss?”

Starscream got into berth with him.  Microns from him, a new insatiable force drove his frame to get as close as physically possible.  The kiss he’d been promised lasted for much longer than anticipated, and came with the added bonus of finial caresses.  Rodimus was just about ready to snap open his panels and let Starscream do whatever he wanted with him, when he relieved him of the empty glass and handed him the next full one.

“One more,” Starscream said.  His optics sparkled with mischief; the only thing keeping the lust at bay.  “Then you get one more kiss.”

Rodimus drank the next dose embarrassingly fast.  While he drank, Starscream lewdly kissed his neck with the same hunger in his half-shuttered optics, as if he intended to quench himself by sucking the energon from his supple neck.

Once he was finished, he chucked the glass away, and neither of the bots in the berth cared where it landed or if it broke.  A muddled haze cloaked them.  Hungry.  Want.  _Need_.

Hands roamed.  They touched everywhere.  No part of carrier nor sire was left unloved.  And though separate, their sparks beat as one.  Connected thinly through the tiny nub of light that brought them together.

“Open up,” Starscream whispered to Rodimus’ closed chest.  He obeyed without a second thought in this strange world they’d created.  A world where Starscream’s lips on his spark felt heaven-sent, and his fingers caressed lines of flames along his cheek and collar.

“Oh, frag, don’t stop.”  Rodimus clawed at his back and wings, pulling a moan from Starscream in tandem with his own.

“And good morning to you, little one,” Starscream murmured.  He kissed his spark again, and Rodimus got that same kind-of-feeling-but-not-really feeling.  “Energetic aren’t they?  They’re sure to be strong.”

Rodimus swallowed the discomfort that bubbled up.  He didn’t feel like he could match the tired lust in Starscream’s field anymore.  Not with the sparkling “watching.”

“It’s not like they know what’s going on,” Starscream said.

“What?”

Starscream chuckled.  “Your thoughts are loud.”

Before the question could formulate in his processor, he heard Starscream, but his lips didn’t move.  _How quickly you forget what bonding means_.

“Megatron never intruded,” Rodimus said.  Not quite venomous, but definitely acidic.

“I’m not Megatron.  And it’s hard _not_ to intrude when you’re practically yelling.  Now _relax_.  Our sparkling is nothing but energy and impulses.  Bonding, fragging, it’s all good for them.  A loved sparkling has a better chance at survival.”  Starscream kissed his spark again, and their sparkling, apparently, since he only really felt half of his lips.  “So relax and _enjoy_.”

Rodimus shivered and closed his optics and tried not to think about how conflicted he felt about hearing him say “our sparkling.”  Not when he could hear him.  He also tried to not let the memories of the last bot to touch his spark creep in, but no matter what he tried to think about or how much he tried to lose himself in the wonderful feeling, they showed up.  It was only once he’d numbed himself that his processor became a blank slate.

Starscream paused.  His optics locked onto Rodimus’.  Through the thick fog in his processor, Rodimus found clarity in that one moment.  In ruby red optics.  Megatron was nothing more than a distant memory as his new spark’s claim looked at him.  _Really_ looked at him.

He felt vulnerable. 

“Are you ready, Prime?” Starscream whispered.

Rodimus nodded, unable to look away.  Even as Starscream’s chest opened and he stooped down to kiss him as their sparks joined with ease, he kept his optics open.  He watched his new lover from this close-up.  He saw how, for the very first time, Starscream looked at peace.

He let his optic covers gently flutter closed.

When Rodimus opened his optics again, he was back on the _Lost Light_.  He sat up in his familiar berth, and it smelled like—oh… it smelled like home.  And home smelled a lot like—

“Do you always lollygag in berth?”

Rodimus looked up sharply, subconsciously pulling the sheets up around himself when he found Starscream leaning against the doorframe.

“What are you doing here?”

Starscream shook his helm and rolled his optics.  “None of this is real, Rodimus.”  The tenderness in his voice surprised him.  Rodimus slowly dropped his arms as Starscream approached.  “Though I’m not surprised we’re here.”  He held his hand out to him.

Rodimus took it without question. 

“C’mon.  I’m afraid of who might show up if we stay here too long.” 

The edge in Starscream’s voice dulled the rosy glow of his room.  The only home he’d known since Nyon had burned.  The gentle hold of his hand migrated to a hard grip on his wrist as he was dragged along.  Starscream lead him out into the hall, and the further they went the more it warped, twisting and blurring until it was just swirls of colours.  He shook himself free from Starscream’s grip, and a moment later the seeker vanished from view.

“Starscream?”

Silence.

“Starscream!”

“Follow my voice,” Starscream said gently.

“What?  Where’d you go?”

“Just follow me,” Starscream said with as much of an edge as an exhausted mech could give their voice.  “Close your optics.  You’ll find me.”

Rodimus relented with a shaky ventilation, shutting his optics.  Without his sight, his spark could yell louder, and he felt the pull of Starscream’s energy.  He tread lightly down what remained of the hallway, and soon his pedes paddled in something that felt nearly as light as air.  He found Starscream surrounded by a haze of warm darkness, and he took a hold of his hand and pulled him so Rodimus’ back was against his chest.

“Where are we?” Rodimus asked.

Starscream shrugged.  “The subconscious I guess?  I don’t know.  I just know it’s better than memory swapping.”

“Yeah,” Rodimus agreed. 

Though this place felt like a warm embrace on all sides, Starscream’s embrace felt warmer still.  And safer, strangely. 

“Comfortable?” Starscream asked.

Rodimus nodded.

“Good.”  He nuzzled into the crook of Rodimus’ neck and sighed.  He kissed at the sensitive metal, and Rodimus stifled a shiver.  Especially as Starscream’s hands began to roam.  “I’d forgotten,” he whispered.

Rodimus shut his optics as he reveled in the touch.  The closeness.  “Forgotten what?”

“How attached you get.”

“Oh…”

“You feel it, too?”  Starscream sounded a little desperate.

“Yeah.  It hurts.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s gonna be hard once I go back to the _Lost Light_ , huh?”

Starscream said nothing to that.

“So, uh… you come here often?” Rodimus joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“I prefer the silence here,” Starscream murmured.  Rodimus felt offended for a moment, but then he went on.  “It’s one of the few places you can just _be_.  We don’t have to answer to anyone here.  Nothing exists beyond us.  So… I don’t want to talk.”

“Oh… okay.”

Rodimus bit his lip.  He had so many questions.  A lot of them pertained to Megatron, so… maybe that’s why he didn’t want him talking.

But… if he had been here with him, why hadn’t Megatron ever shown him this place?  They’d only bonded a handful of times, but… they didn’t have a lot of shared happy memories to bond over.  More often than not his processor found its way back to that time he’d found himself at the wrong end of Megatron’s fusion cannon.  The day he’d almost killed him.

The day the Matrix saved him.

“Can I take you out?” Rodimus asked.

“I said ‘no talking.’”

Rodimus shrugged.  “Silence makes me antsy.”

Starscream growled quietly and Rodimus could practically feel his optic-roll.  “And where would the _Great Rodimus Prime_ take the exulted leader of Cybertron?”

Rodimus nuzzled back against Starscream.  “What do you like to do for fun?”

“Lately?”  Starscream smirked against his neck.  “You.”

Rodimus scoffed.  “Shut up.  I’m serious.”

“Why?”

“What?”

Starscream swallowed, and his voice came out strained.  “Why?”

“Why go out with me?”

Starscream shrugged.

“Uh, pretty sure ‘knocking someone up’ is a pretty good reason.”

Starscream ventilated deeply, barely suppressing a shudder.  “I’m not sure I could keep my hands off of you.”

Rodimus shrugged.  “Doesn’t have to be in public.”

“Everything I do is public.”

“Aw, c’mon, ‘Scream.  There’s gotta be something we can do together.  Like, uh… I dunno.  I’m so used to ‘going out’ meaning ‘going to Swerve’s’.  What do you usually do to unwind?”

“Drink.”

Rodimus turned his helm to try and look at him, but Starscream kept his face hidden.  “Talk to me.”

Before he could get an answer, the calm warmth dissipated and the harsh dawn sunlight hit his optics.  His spark burned cold as he watched Starscream pull away and get out of berth.

“Where are you going?” Rodimus asked, hurt and annoyance in his voice.

“Work.”

“You weren’t in a ru—”

“I can’t take a day off,” Starscream snapped without turning. 

“Starscre—ah!”  Rodimus’ still-open spark chamber ached as the sparkling yanked on his life force.  Before he could even process the pain Starscream was back across the room, urging him to shut his chest and gently shushing him.  For a few, delirious moments Rodimus saw only colours and shapes and just barely heard Starscream.

“You took quickly,” Starscream said.

“Wha?”

Starscream sighed.  “I should take you to see a doctor.”

“You can take me to Ratchet.”

Starscream frowned. “Ratchet is supposed to be resting and doesn’t have a clinic.”

“Whatever.  I’m fine.”

“I’m sure you are,” Starscream said.  “Better safe than sorry.”

“And then _I_ take _you_ out.”

Starscream glared.  “You don’t get it, do you?”

“Apparently not.  Because _apparently_ being seen with me is just _so embarrassing_.”

“You want a bunch of reporters in your face?”  Starscream stood up.  “Because that’s what you’ll get as soon as anyone sees us out together.  And what do we tell them?  That I sired a sparkling with someone who isn’t my conjunx?”  He scoffed.  “I don’t think so.”

“I’m not saying we have to go somewhere crawling with bots, but _somewhere_.  I… I feel weird.  Like, doing this this way.  Like, I’m sparked.  You’re… _we’re_ gonna be parents.  And I barely know you.”  Rodimus put a hand over his still aching chest.  “I want them to have a good life.  That starts with having a good family.  One that’s not… weird.”

Starscream scoffed, through much more quietly this time.  His words matched it for pitch and tone.  “Then you’ll need to pick a new sire.”

Rodimus sat up.  “Sit down, Star.  Stop talking like that.”

Starscream did sit, but then he pushed Rodimus back down and joined them in a rough kiss, and he knew he should stop it.  He could taste all the unresolved problems on his lips, and it was only once his comm beeped a familiar jingle that he came to his senses.  He pushed Starscream away, and before the usual glower took over he caught the expression of an exhausted mech.

“Give me a sec.  I’ve got a message from Drift.”

“So?  Tell him you’re busy.”

“Nah, you don’t get it.  I got a message from Drift after _three hundred_ from Magnus.”

“Then I’ll make you busy.”  Starscream got between his legs.  “Maybe you _should_ call him, though.  Once I’ve got my spike buried in you.”

Rodimus shoved him off but smiled as he did so.  “No way! Drift’d totally sniff us out. He’d say my aura sounded sexual or something.”

Starscream snorted with laughter.

Rodimus gave him a hard look as the line rang.  He whispered, “No funny business.”

“Rodimus?” Drift said when he picked up.  “Where are you?  Magnus is looking for you.”

“Tell him I’m busy.  Starscream and I are talkin’ strategy,” Rodimus lied. 

“Strategy?”  Drift sounded incredulous.

“Yeah, like.  If he’s got resources I can use.  We are citizens of Cybertron, after all.”  Rodimus stifled a giggle as Starscream kissed at the nape of his neck.  He tried to wave him off, but the seeker was relentless.

“That sounds… responsible.” 

In the background, Rodimus head Ultra Magnus say, “Let me talk to him.”

“Point is, I’m busy,” Rodimus said rather brusquely.

Starscream said, “Oh, you will be,” and Rodimus swatted him away.

“What was that?” Drift asked.  “Was that Starscream?”

“Yeah he wants me off of the phone.  Something about ‘wasting his precious time.’  You know how he gets.”  That got him a glare from Starscream, and Rodimus just blew him a kiss.

“ _Let me talk to him_ ,” Ultra Magnus said more firmly and closely.

“Okay, uh… let us know when you’re done I guess?” Drift said.

Rodimus almost didn’t hear him.  Starscream’s lips kissed up a finial and a rush of lust made his frame warm and tingly.  “Oh, yeah, yeah, call when I’m done.  Will do.  Bye!”  He hung up and moaned softly; Starscream’s hands stroked from his chest to just above his array.

“You’re such an aft.”

“Doesn’t seem like you mind it too much,” Starscream said before returning to Rodimus’ neck.

“Make it up to me by blowing my processor.”

Starscream smirked.  “That’s par for the course in my berth, Prime.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm honest, I'm still not happy with this chapter. I've picked it apart and rewrote parts and added things and took things out. This is the part of the story where I really didn't know what was going to happen and I still don't, but if I didn't get something done I feel like I'd just abandon this fic and I don't want to do that. I'm super excited about where this story is going to go so I hope you'll stick with it.

Rodimus pulled Starscream in roughly and kissed him, holding him by nothing other than his helm.  He ventilated hard against his lips, leaving nigh imperceptible dents in his lover’s helm.

“You could always come with me.”  Rodimus’ gentle words didn’t match his actions.  “We’ve got plenty of room.  _I’ve_ got plenty of room.” 

A brief flash of wanderlust slotted together perfectly with Rodimus’ homesickness.  The same yearning to be amongst the stars and as far away from Cybertron as possible.  Like their sparks coming together, their thoughts found an unlikely mate.

“Ha.  That is funny.  As if _I_ could leave _my_ post.  And besides, I’ve no desire for being _his_ replacement.”

“You’re not his replacement.”

Starscream shoved him away.  Pain bloomed in his optics, and a moment later Rodimus felt daggers dig into his spark.  “You can say whatever you want.  But I know.”

Push and pull.  Wrong thing, right thing.  They were either shoving each other away or crashing together.  Like stars that got a little too close.

“Well, for one, Megatron was much nicer.”  Rodimus said it in a teasing tone while keeping his thoughts light.  He expanded his field and wrapped it around Starscream.  “He also didn’t tease me and leave me high and dry, so… you’d make a pretty shitty replacement.” 

Starscream scoffed.  Try as he might to keep up huffy appearances, a twinge of amusement lined his field with gold.

“Leave Cybertron,” Rodimus said.  “Who gives a damn?”

“It takes shanix to raise a kid,” Starscream pointed out.  “I don’t see you making much from your quest.”

Rodimus shrugged.  “Drift’ll help.”

“He’ll help _my_ sparkling?”  Starscream laughed.  “I get it now.  You live in a fantasy world where Megatron is capable of love and money just comes when you need it.  Think _realistically_ , Rodimus.”  His tone turned sharp and their connection gripped firmly.  It almost hurt.  Like Starscream had reached into his chest and was squeezing his spark.  “How my life is now is what’s best for them.  For _us_.”

“ _Us_ , huh?”  Rodimus smiled, though he failed to cover up the sinking of his spark.

“Mhm.  If you stay, there’s an us.  If you want it.”

“Yeah, I guess.”  Rodimus smiled playfully.  “Though ‘us’ sounds a lot better when I get to cuddle with you.”  He tugged his arm.  “Come back down.”

“Just cuddling?”

Rodimus smiled as Starscream joined him.  The beginnings of a protest from their sparkling quelled as chest met chest.  Shrugging, he kissed him, pulled away slightly, and said, “Why?  You have something in mind?”  His hand strayed to Starscream’s aft while seeker hands were less subtle and went straight for the array.

“Always.”

* * *

 

While fragging had been their intention, and they’d certainly started off quite steamy, Rodimus’ thoughts were far away and Starscream tried to chase them.  They kept kissing, if for nothing else than to avoid optic contact and keep their mouths from asking questions they didn’t want to answer. 

Day turned to afternoon and afternoon turned to evening.  As the sun set, Drift called again and informed him that Ultra Magnus had taken it upon himself to decide when they were leaving to find the _Lost Light_.  Rodimus fumed for a moment, but he couldn’t stay mad for long.  Night turned to day and day to night and night to day and all he’d done was frag Starscream and laze around in berth. 

Some captain.

 _Don’t leave_.

“You’re too loud,” Starscream complained over his thought before it had finished forming.

“You don’t have to listen,” Rodimus countered.

“Neither do you.”

“I’m not the one complaining.”

Rodimus’ spark ached.  It didn’t originate from him, though.  The bitlet had been quiet all day, cozied against his casing in Starscream’s general direction.

“Are you hungry?” Starscream asked.

Rodimus shrugged.  “Kinda.”

“Well, I am.”  He sat up. 

He didn’t ask if Rodimus wanted to go or not, and he didn’t request to follow him, but they got up together.  Magnetized, their hands interlocked as they took the trip slowly.  Almost as if they were savouring even this time together.

They ended up curled up on the couch, watching the news, of all things, and it wasn’t long after his glass had been emptied that Rodimus’ helm found Starscream’s lap.  With gentle strokes to his finials, he fell asleep in no time.  He dreamed of colours and warmth and intangible things that became tangible beneath his fingertips.

He awoke pressed up against Starscream, confused for a moment when he found himself back in their berth.  _His_ berth.  The light of dawn teased at the horizon, but Rodimus would still hesitate to call it “day.” 

He let the warmth envelop him once more.

* * *

 

"I really don't think you should go back to the _Lost Light_ ," Starscream said while watching Rodimus gather the few things he'd left about Starscream's place.  This unfamiliar place had become home frighteningly quickly.

Well.  Not _home_.  His home would always be amongst the stars.

Rodimus felt cold inside and out.  He ignored the pain as best he could, but the bud was persistent.  He stifled everything with rage when he remembered _why_ he had to go back.  Why he was here in the first place.  If it weren’t for the mutiny, he’d be on the _Lost Light_ , with Megatron, probably beaming with the new knowledge of their sparkling.

This was all Getaway’s fault.

"Much less fight to get it back,” Starscream continued.  “Not while you're expecting."

"I can't just let Getaway... _get away_ with it!"  The mech made him so angry he couldn't even enjoy the word play.

"You're _carrying_ ," Starscream pointed out again.  "If you fight, you could very well lose it.  It's just budding right now."

"But...  _ARGH!_ "  Rodimus lashed out at the closest thing, which happened to be a very expensive model of Starscream’s alt mode.  It shattered on the floor.

A long and harsh silence stretched out between them as they both looked at the wreckage of Rodimus' anger.  Starscream's optics nearly turned black with a cold anger that Rodimus had never seen in him before, while regret spread out in Rodimus' field, engulfing them both in the thick feeling that made their tanks roil.

" _Fine_ ," Starscream spat.  "Go.  Kill it.  But if you walk out that door, even if you _do_ by some miracle happen to keep it, I want no part in its life."

"What?"  This single word came out small.  "But, you said—"

"I said I'd rid you of... of _him_.  But if you don't take care of them..."  Starscream hugged himself, shaking as he turned his back on Rodimus.  "I can't..."  He covered his mouth, his wings falling and the shakes becoming so intense it almost looked like he was flapping them.

Rodimus took the few steps to put him within arm's reach, but thought better of it before he actually touched him.  "Can't… what?" he asked quietly.

Starscream clutch at his chest.  Rodimus felt a troubling pain in the same place, but it lacked the erratic movement of a distressed sparkling.

"Let's..."  Rodimus tentatively placed a hand on Starscream's shoulder, removing it when he flinched, but holding Starscream's gaze as he turned his helm to look.  Softly, Rodimus suggested, "Let's sit and talk."

"What's there to talk about?" Starscream screeched, whipping around.  "You clearly don't actually care for your sparkling!  Otherwise you'd stay!"

"Don't tell me I don't care about them!" Rodimus yelled right back.  "How do you know how I feel?"

"Oh, I _know_."  Starscream glared daggers at him.  "You were in love, so you merged.  You weren't _planning_ on having a sparkling, but now that it's happened you're _so ready_ to be a parent.  You're ready to have this happy family and things are looking up, but then shit hits the fan.  You still want the sparkling.  Of course you do.  You're already in love with them.  But you've got _goals_.  _Ambitions_.  Things that can't be put on hold.  It's your one and only chance.  So you think, 'they'll be fine.  Only _some_ detach from stress.  That won't happen to me!'  But it can.  It can, and it will, if you're not careful."  His hand went to his chest as he turned away again.  "Believe me... you don't want to feel that emptiness."

"What do you...?"  Rodimus looked from his face to his hand, almost identical to his own stance.  "Wait... were you...?"

“Just leave already!”

“Not until you tell me what happened!”

“What do you care?”

“ _Argh!_ ”  Rodimus’ rage and annoyance fed off of Starscream’s anger, though his felt faker.  Like he was trying to cover up whatever it was he really felt.  “I can just reach in and find out,” he threatened.  “If I dig deep enough I’ll find it.”

The connection suddenly terminated.  Like a wall had been put up around Starscream’s spark.  His face was still distraught, but Rodimus felt nothing.  If he hadn’t been standing right before him, he might’ve thought he’d died.

“How—?”

“When the necessity strikes, you learn,” Starscream said. 

“Why can’t you just tell me?”  Rodimus closed half of the space between them.  “Why can’t you _trust_ me?”

“Do _you_ trust _me_?” Starscream shot back.  He didn’t wait for his answer.  “Just go already.  That ship is all you care about.”

“So, what, none of what happened matters?  Our bond doesn’t mean a damn thing to you?”

Starscream narrowed his optics.  “That sounds like what _I_ should be asking _you_.”

“Of course it mattered!” Rodimus yelled.  “You matter to me now!  I hate that you do.  I hate how much it hurts even now.  I’m not sure I’ll even be able to take the distance, but…”  He sighed, feeling suddenly tired.  “Everyone’s going to think I abandoned them.”

“Who cares?”

“Who _cares_?”

Starscream crossed his arms, shrugging.  “They staged a mutiny.  I doubt they’ll be happy to see you.”

New pain and anger bloomed within Rodimus.  “Frag you.”

Starscream just shrugged again, minutely, turning his helm so Rodimus could only see the side of one optic.  One tormented, dull optic.  He tried to probe into his mind, but the walls remained.

“Why can’t you just _talk to me_?” Rodimus asked, his voice strained.  “You can put up all the walls you want but it’s fragging obvious you’re upset.  Just…”  He sighed.  “Just tell me you don’t want me to leave.  If you tell me that…”

He didn’t want to finish that sentence.  He was never too good with promises and didn’t want to break another one.

“I shouldn’t have to tell you that,” Starscream said.  “You should care about your sparkling enough to do what’s best for them.”

“Well I’m sorry I’m new to this.  Would you be the perfect parent after a few weeks?”

“I _should_ have been,” Starscream spat.  “Just take my damn advice.”

“And why should I?”

“Because—!”  Starscream growled.  He looked like he wanted to strangle someone.  “Because you should!”

“What, are you trying to make up for _your_ mistakes?”  Rodimus took a few steps closer, but didn’t dare let Starscream into his field.  “Is that what this is all about?  Did you have some sparkling who grew to hate you?  Is that it?”

“You don’t know anything!”

“Then _tell me_!”

“And why should I?  So you can go back to your ship and gossip about me?”

“What?  I wouldn’t do that!”

Starscream kind of shrugged and turned away, crossing his arms.  His wings twitched in anger, but his frame shook.

“You know me,” Rodimus said a little more gently.  “Yeah, not that well, but you’ve _seen me_.  And I’ve seen _you_.  It’s _terrifying_.  I know.  I _do_.  But I don’t know everything.  If we’re doing this we can’t just keep things from each other, okay?  I _get_ why you want to.  After seeing…”  He shut his optics when Starscream’s memory came back so _vividly_ that it felt like it must have been his own.  “Look.  I’m not saying spill your guts and tell me everything.  You can have secrets.  But I can’t understand why this is upsetting you so much if you won’t let me know _why_.  I thought you didn’t really care about me.  I’m not _expecting_ you to, either.  I get that this is a weird act of charity or revenge or whatever, but I’m still grateful and… and I mean we _bonded_ and it’s, it’s all new and weird, but it’s _good_.  It’s _good_ , isn’t it?”

When Starscream stayed silent, Rodimus’ spark constricted.

“Can’t you just talk to me?” he repeated.  “I would _never_ share your secrets.  _Anyone’s_ secrets.  That’s not me.”

“And _why_ should I trust you?”

Rodimus made a frustrated noise.  “Because you could tell everyone about Megatron and me!  I trusted _you_ with that knowledge!”

Starscream scoffed.  “It’s not like you were hiding it well.”

“Why are you being such an aft?  Like, okay, I get it’s you, but you weren’t like this.  Not recently.”

Starscream shrugged, the shakes in frame growing stronger.

“So, what, did you have a sparkling detach?”  That had Starscream flinching.  “Were your nesting days not some _glorious_ time?  Did your sparklings want nothing to do with you?  Did—"

"I killed them!" Starscream suddenly screamed, whipping around.  "Are you happy now?  Is that what you wanted to hear?  That I’m some terrible bot who kills their sparklings?  Are you _happy now_?” 

Guilt bled out into Rodimus’ veins.

Hugging himself, his shakes returning full force, his voice lost all of its power.  “I was the only one who could protect them, and I..." 

Rodimus took a cautious half-step towards him, but Starscream stepped back.  “Hey, Star, I’m… I’m sorry.  I didn’t actually think, I just…”  He sighed.  “I don’t think.  I just wanted you to tell me and you weren’t—”  He shook his helm somberly.  “No.  It’s not your fault.  It’s _mine_.”

“I don’t want a second chance,” Starscream whispered.  He briefly met Rodimus’ gaze, and that brief glance was enough to see old pain glazing his optics.  Dulled some from time, but still very much _there_.  “I just can’t watch as someone does exactly what I did.  I just… I can’t.  Not when they’re… they’re _mine_ , too.”

Rodimus took another careful step, and thankfully he didn't flinch away.  Starscream watched him out of the corner of his optic as he closed the distance.  He lifted his hand and hovered over Starscream’s shoulder, giving him a chance to move.  When he didn’t, he let it come to rest.  He didn’t move away.  If anything, he leaned into the touch.  "Let's sit," he suggested.  He pulled a half-willing Starscream against him and lead him back to the couch, where the seeker leaned his helm on Rodimus' shoulder.

"What happened?" Rodimus asked gently.

Starscream shook his helm.  "Doesn't matter.  You've made up your mind."

"I wouldn't say that."

"So you'll stay?"  Starscream picked himself up and turned so they were face-to-face.

Rodimus avoided his gaze.  "Well..."

Starscream scoffed as he shook his helm.  "Of course not.  You care about that ship more than anything."  He pushed off of Rodimus and shifted until he was in his own corner of the couch, pulling his knees into his chest.  "Just go."

"You tell me what happened, first," Rodimus pressed, a little annoyance slipping into his voice.

"What do you care?"

"Maybe I care because I merged with you and that's not something I can just shake off?" Rodimus countered.

Starscream laughed.  A horrible, self-deprecating laugh.  "You'll get over it."

"Yeah, sure, maybe I will, but I'm not now and, frag it all, I _do_ care about you, so I want to know why you're upset.  Is that too much to ask?  Is it too far-fetched to think that I might actually _like_ you?"

"You weren't so keen on me a few weeks ago," Starscream pointed out.

"Things change.  I used to hate Megatron, too."  It was Rodimus' turn to hug himself and claw at his aching spark.  "Just fragging tell me what happened!"

"Fine, fine!  You want to know?"  Starscream rounded on him.  "It was Megatron's, it was early in the war, and I figured as long as I didn't take a direct shot our sparkling would be _fine_.  Well, do you see me with any kids?"

"Starscream—"

"I _murdered_ an _innocent sparkling_ ," Starscream spat.  "I've done a lot of despicable things but that is _unforgivable_."

"That's not murder, Starscream, y—"

"Yes, it is!"  Starscream put both his hands on his helm, clawing at it.  "I was supposed to protect them, but I didn't!"  His shakes returned full-force.  "So if you want to risk your sparkling's life, then that's on _you_!  I'll have no part of it."

"I'm not—!"  Rodimus growled frustratedly.  "I don't know what I want to do, okay?"  He pressed the heels of his palms to his optics, knowing that the distress he felt wouldn't help his sparkling, either, but to just give up his ship?  Or leave it in another's care? 

Whispering, Rodimus asked, "What kind of captain abandons his crew?  No, don't answer that, because I _know_ what kind of captain!  _Megatron_."

"Well, what kind of parent puts their _child_ in danger?"  Sarcastically, he added, "No, wait, I _know_.  Idiots like me.  Idiots who didn't have someone _actively telling them not to do what you're planning to do!_ "

"Do you think I _wanted_ this to happen to me?"

"Then terminate it!"  Starscream stood, all rage.  "Just get it over with!  Don't be a wishy-washy parent who will only care for them if they _happen_ to survive!  I don't give a damn if you don't want to keep it—that's _your_ call—but I've given you my terms.  Take them or leave them."

With a dramatic flap of his wings, Starscream went to make his exit, and Rodimus stood, too, angrily marching to the door.  He grabbed the last of his things—a small tub of wax for quick fixes—that sat on the table by the door.

"And Rodimus..." 

Rodimus stopped, his hand on the handle, when he heard Starscream's quiet voice from across the room.  He turned to face him, all his anger fading as he took in the sad sight.

Starscream hugged himself, avoiding his gaze.  He sucked in a quick ventilation, and as he let it out, he said in a rush, "I don't want you to leave, _okay_?”

Rodimus looked at the wax.  It would be so easy to just put it in his subspace and leave.  Certainly, much easier than unpacking everything again.  Time was running out.  The ship was already humming, ready to fly.  All it needed was its temporary captain.


End file.
